Just the other day I hauled our heavy scrapbook off the shelf here in New Zealand and leafed through a stack of pages displaying photos taken during the first few weeks of our meeting, in January 2001. Once the ink on these old photos glowed warm like the human heart but now that warmth of hue has faded from the paper. They seem almost weary.

In colours drained from our old photos, and in the faintest odour of must that clings now to each paper image, Time herself passes commentary upon our situation I see. Nothing however can conceal the enormity of our joy or the hope that shines fiercely and proudly in our eyes in those aging images.

How different the photos taken of us in 2009, rendered on brand new paper in bright shining hues ~ for now it is our hope, and not the ink, that is fading. Oh to be sure our love is still there ~ still burning through ~ that beautiful love that can never and will never be extinquished. But that hope that once shone so brightly in our eyes is less visible now, eroded by the near decade of intolerance and discrimination that lies behind us.

We of 2001 would have faced today ~ the day Obama delivers his keynote speech to the Human Rights Campaign dinner in Washington DC ~ with enormous anticipation. We of 2009 have lived this human rights injustice for long enough to sense the oncoming of yet more words devoid of actions and we grant it barely a sideways glance as Cas struggles alone with the failing health of two seriously ill parents and I sit half a world away, powerless and unable to comfort her.

New York July 2009

Tea and toast and the UAFA hearing at 2am

Last night at 2am I made toast and a cup of tea and settled in to watch the Senate Judiciary committee hearing live down here in New Zealand. It was cold and I was sleepy but determined not to miss this historical event! Cas was not able to be "with me" sadly but I did not feel lonely because in reality I was there in that committee room with 36000 other bi-national couples! When I woke this morning it seemed that the sun was a little warmer and the light a little brighter. It seemed I stood a little taller and breathed a little easier.

Thank you Shirley and Gordon ~ and all others whose sheer humanity and goodness beamed far out across the world last night!

Please tell me about us

As the offshore half of a same sex bi-national couple I made it clear to anyone who would listen long ago that my path in this would be within the law at all times. My conscience is clear ~ my only "wrongdoing" has been to love an American and seek to spend time with her. I have never worked in America ~ not even for a single hour. Nor have I ever overstayed. Loving an American ties one inextricably to America itself. I love this country deeply. I love her people and, were I to be given half a chance, would adopt them as my own. Yet even the merest thought of facing American immigration officials at the US border fills me with a gut wrenching fear.

And so, on this afternoon when fear looms particularly large, I phone Cas from New Zealand and plead "Please tell me about us".

"Tell me about the winding woodchip path you and I spent days creating beneath the fir trees. Tell me about our foxgloves and our daffodils and the second coat of paint we really must put on the front porch before winter bites in again. Tell me too about the colourful people - how is the Hasidic neighbour you have befriended and the charming Indian man who flirts with you while he sells you cigarettes and 92 year old hitchhiking Edna who you and I often drive to her home. Has she invited us to any neighbourhood parties lately? What combination of psychedelic colours is she wearing this spring? And tell me about our six cats ~ is Felix watching too much TV and is Rockie losing weight ~ oh how I miss his eyes as big as saucers! And you? Tell me, my love, about you.

Tell me simple inconsequential mundane everyday ordinary things that are so real and so huge they will cast aside my fear!"

The passing of the UAFA

will afford us dignity and respect as a couple and bring to an end nine years of severe emotional hardship.

The UAFA Congressional Hearing June 3rd

This historic event is to be webcast! I will drag myself out of bed at 2am out here in New Zealand, make a large pot of coffee and phone Cas. "Together" we will BE THERE for this event! I would not miss it for the world. Sadly our upcoming reconciliation will not occur soon enough to allow us to share this event in person.

http://judiciary.senate.gov/hearings/hearing.cfm?id=3876

No delay. No excuses.

http://www.thedallasprinciples.org/The_Dallas_Principles/Home.html

Thank you to the one who, by their unexpected gesture, has granted us the briefest of reconciliations here in our American woodland home. While I will not arrive here for some weeks I am already here in my heart!

No ordinary love

Last week the airfare to America fell unexpectedly into my hands, a gift from someone who, knowing of our dire financial straits, felt the time might be just perfect to repay a long standing favour - in cash. I did not tell Cas this had happened until I had booked my flights and then phoned her to ask what she was doing on the day I was due to arrive. She was slightly distracted at the time and answered that she would have to check her diary. I suggested while she was at it she might like to write in the entry "Pick up Helen from JFK airport"!

She was silent for a moment, then followed a rush of tears and her words "I can't believe I am going to see you again!"

Some might think me foolish to take what little I have and fly half way round the world to steal a few blissful weeks watching my wildflowers grow in the company of the woman I love. In monetary terms we have paid a shocking price for this love ~ a price I hardly dare think about. But after so many months so far from each other there is a part of each of us that is far more empty than any bank account could ever be! When one loves in this extraordinary way one must make extraordinary choices.

Dems: Opportunity As Gay Marriage Acceptance Grows

Dems: Opportunity As Gay Marriage Acceptance Grows

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Letter mailed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Dear President Obama

Re: A request for urgent action on Uniting American Families Act.

I am a New Zealander, writing to you from New Zealand. I have been in a same sex bi-national relationship with an American woman for nine years.

I understand that you are an incredibly busy man but I also believe you to be a man of, and for, the people and I know that civil rights are on your White House agenda. I therefore respectfully ask that you read the attached article, a personal account of the struggles my American partner and I have endured in our fight to be together. I wrote this for publication in a New Zealand gay and lesbian newspaper in the hope that it will put a human face on the American civil rights issue of same sex bi-national immigration. This article was not intended to be a rational account but rather a spontaneous outpouring of the heart . When one lives long term in this discriminatory situation it becomes very difficult to write a rational and coolly analytical treatise.

When I wrote the attached article (A) several weeks ago it was hard for me to conceive of this situation getting any worse for my America partner, Cas, and myself, but regrettably it has. Cas’s financial situation, already severely strained by the pressures of this bi-national relationship, has now taken another massive hit as a result of the recession. Tonight we have reluctantly faced the fact that we cannot afford to have me return to America from New Zealand in July of this year and that it may be a year before we see each other again (this on top of the 7 months we have already been apart) We dealt with this realisation in the same way that we have dealt with so many other distressing situations over the nine years we have been together as a couple - with devotion and love. Not knowing what else to do I read to her over the phone from ten thousand miles away until finally she fell asleep. I kept reading to her long after that point. Over the last nine years I have learnt that the sound of a loved one sleeping is very comforting, even from such a vast distance.

President Obama, I hardly have the words to describe to you the pain I felt when I hung up the phone and broke the precious bond of sound that connected us. The passing of the Uniting American families Act will ensure that the hardship we, and 35,000 other couples like us, have endured for so long will finally end. Please, I urge you to urgently lend your support to this piece of legislation. Now is not the time for Americans like Cas, who are already suffering due to the recession, to be forcibly kept apart from their loved ones. Other Americans, who are not in our situation, are not having recession hardship greatly compounded by a lack of civil rights.

Thank you for the attention you have given my letter. I trust you will make it out to New Zealand one day soon. You are very warmly regarded out here!

Sincerely


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A)
Where a Civil Union Brings No Civil Rights

For much of the year I live here in Dunedin, New Zealand, and, whenever possible, share a home two hours out of New York with my American partner of nine years, Cas.

In August 2008 Cas and I drove from New York state into Bennington, Vermont where we entered into a civil union. Our intention was that this ceremony be a very civil affair. Celebration would follow at a later date when family and friends from both New Zealand and America could stand as witness. We signed official documents in the presence of one friend and Frankie & Johnny, the Bennington town clerk's two cats. As we prepared to leave the office someone offered us the services of the town clerk's wife, a Justice who had written vows for just such an event. She arrived within ten minutes, borrowed my reading glasses because she had forgotten her own, and proceeded to lead us through the recitation of vows that were romantic beyond words. All of us, with the possible exception of Frankie & Johnny, were reduced to tears.

Sadly this civil union gave neither of us any civil rights at a federal level and ten days later, my visa waiver due to expire, Cas drove me to JFK airport to begin the farewell process we have gone through so many times before. Whenever possible I travel to America on these 90 day visa waivers and whilst there will turn my head away rather than follow the path of departing planes across the sky. But as we head to JFK I know that now I must look upward. Now I must face the fact that I am once again about to fly away from the woman I love and from the huge, colourful and deeply comforting world I have there ~ from our 6 cats, our rustic house in the woods, from the property we own together on the banks of the Delaware river, from our simple comforting daily rituals and our wonderful friends, all of whom believe unflinchingly in our love. Now, as the sign directing us to “Qantas. Terminal Eight” looms over us the luxury of denial is no more.

Years ago we decided not to draw this exhausting and painful farewell process out. Now she swings up to the doors of the terminal where I leap out and hurriedly grab my bag. We hug, kiss and cry fleetingly and then I rush off, calling back to her as I enter the doors of the terminal “See you soon!”

“Soon” in our case is around 9 months and is defined by personal financial constraints and frustratingly obscure visa waiver laws which have made it impossible for us to find out exactly how long I must remain out of the country before I can legally return on another visa waiver. We err on the side of caution rather than risk my being denied entry at the border. I have been home here without her in Dunedin now since late August 2008 and “soon” is now half over. I will return to America in July 2009.

Cas and I met online in mid 2000. Our initial friendship blossomed into love unexpectedly on Christmas Day 2000 (I still clearly recall the exact moment when I realised I was in love with her) and we met at JFK in February 2001. Our love flourished that spring like the shimmering tulips that lined the avenues of Manhattan. The memories of those early days in New York city will never leave either of us. It could not have been more perfect.

Over time, however, our initial naiveté gave way to stark realism . We came to see that we were just one of approximately 35000 same sex bi-national couples (where one is an American) and that, in the eyes of the US Federal government , our love did not exist. That spring of 2001 we stood at the base of the mountain that loomed between us and equal rights and pleaded “Move!”. The mountain did not move.

But neither did we.

Initially we fought hard, each giving speeches in 2001 at the New York Gay and Lesbian Centre the night Congressman Nadler introduced his Permanent Partners Immigration Act (PPIA) to the New York LGBT community. (Attachment B) We were amazed back then how few even in our own community knew of the existence of this large body of same-sex bi-national couples who are torn apart over and over again by discriminatory US immigration law. Nadler’s bill would provide American LGBT citizens the right to sponsor their partners for immigration, holding them to the same standards of proof of relationship that heterosexual couples are held to. To date this bill has been presented a number of times but has not passed.

As time went on we came to realise that our absolute silence was wiser than a very public fight. We lived in fear of my being refused entry at the Los Angeles border and, like other bi-national couples, knew that our greatest challenge was not to change the laws (that was for others who did not stand to lose their loved one through a very visible civil rights battle) but rather to survive and to grow as a couple in the face of this challenging situation. We knew that one day that mountain would move and when it did we wanted to be there, standing tall, ready to forge on through!

Eight years on we have exchanged close to 20,000 emails while apart. To date Cas has not been able to fly out here to New Zealand because of her struggle with claustrophobia and so in order that we can be together I have spent 500 hours flying 250,000 miles at a cost of $50,000. We have taken literally thousands of photos documenting the joy we experience when together ~ always the heart stopping joy! This last three years alone we have talked on the phone whilst apart for 2000 hours. We have laughed and cried and faithfully documented that laughter and those tears. Our scrapbook is huge and growing with each new day and it bears testament to a life lived outside the square; a life that is, in spite of everything, rich and deeply satisfying . Back in 2001 it was decreed by others who did not know us that our love did not exist. We knew otherwise. We have survived.

We despair at the discrimination but we avoid falling into bitterness and hatred. Cas’s family, who hold fundamentalist Christian values, have opened their homes to me, and to Cas and I as a couple, and while we may disagree with their views we know from first hand experience that the love in their hearts is as real and as sincere as ours.

I did not find it easy to write this article as I knew it would cause despair to rise in us both again. For the most part we keep the negative emotions surrounding this situation at a safe distance and focus on the positive. But I felt I must write it because tomorrow Barack Obama is to be sworn in as President of The United States. This inauguration places at the helm of this deeply divided country the one man I believe is capable of bringing down the mountain that has stood between us and equal rights these last eight years ~ not tearing it down in anger but dismantling it rock by rock, in a climate of inclusivity and respect for all. Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, is one of approximately 120 co-sponsors of the PPIA (now called the Uniting American Families Act) and his appointment has been a source of great hope for us both.

Survival as a couple through all these years has depended on us taking one day at a time. It has depended on us savouring that one day as the precious gift that it is, whether we are together or ten thousand miles apart. And it has depended on our holding our position against all odds ~ firm in the belief that in the end it will be that mountain, and not our love, which yields!

(B)
Below are excerpts from the speech written by my American partner Cas and delivered by her at New York City Gay and Lesbian Center 2001, on the night that Congressman Nadler introduced his Permanent Partners Immigration Act (now Uniting American Families Act) to the New York LGBT community.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am an American, born in this country, and my partner, Helen, is from New Zealand. We have been partners for over one and a half years and she is the love of my life.

I have always taken great pride in claiming my heritage as a citizen of the United States, believing that all men are created equal, that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are our inherent rights as citizens, and that our government was based on and bound to protect such rights. However, recent events in my life have forced me to look at the facts. I find myself becoming disillusioned at the enormous gap between what is promised every American and what is in fact MY reality!

Helen has not been able to participate in the significant events of my life as most committed partners are. Prior to September 11th 2001 she reluctantly left the United States to return to New Zealand in order to comply with the terms of the visa waiver which granted her entry into this country. On the evening of 9.11 we were 10,000 miles apart. We each placed the phone beside us on our pillow and kept the line open for 6 hours as we tried to sleep. This gave us some comfort but was no substitute for being together at a time when we needed each other the most.

Under the terms of her visa waiver Helen is prevented from working in America and her work in New Zealand is difficult to retain due to the extended length of time she leaves her country to be with me whenever she can. We therefore rely for the most part on one income to support the extensive travel and expenses involved in our being together.

America champions family values and yet in order to be with my partner I am expected to leave my family to live in a country 10,000 miles away. If I take that course what will I say when people ask me why I left America? What can I say? That I left America because they told me who I can and cannot love?
No matter who we as a nation choose as our elected leaders our government was founded on the premise that all men are created equal. Therefore government policy should not be defined by personal opinion and dictated by fear. It should hold true to the principle that we all have a right to share a common destiny. It should be written to be inclusive rather than exclusive. Rather than aiming to establish ourselves as a world power should we not aim to be a world leader in the field of human rights?

Helen and my favorite times of day are many .. our morning coffee together on the deck, lakeside walks, long weekend drives and picnics in the country, arguments over toothpaste at night. What is so different about our love?

In a few weeks - the days will feel shorter and I will feel the agony of saying goodbye to the one whom I have loved the most - because my country has forsaken me.

And so , having rushed the reader through 2008 at breakneck speed, here I am in 2009, back once again to contemplating love from a distance. Yesterday I mailed a letter to President Obama from here in New Zealand, including with it a copy of an article which I wrote recently for publication in a local gay and lesbian newspaper. I expect to post both here on this blog at some stage soon.

A man most worthy of our faith

http://www.whitehouse.gov/agenda/civil_rights/

When Cas wrote to me in New Zealand the morning following Obama's inauguration to tell me she had bought us both a copy of yesterday’s New York Times I felt duty bound to buy her a copy of our local Dunedin paper. The article quoted Prof Patman, a specialist in international relations at University of Otago politics department, as saying that Obama’s speech had ”offered a hopeful blend of the continuity of American values and the need for change to meet the challenges of a changing world.”
On the morning of the inauguration I crawled out of bed at 4am to watch the event live on TV. I knew our friend Allen was somewhere there in that vast crowd and I too wanted to be there ~ in spirit if not in person ~ when history was made and when the man I told Cas back in 2004 would one day be president was sworn in. I could never have guessed how fast his star would rise! But I have known the depth of despair my American friends have felt throughout these last two disastrous Bush terms and so I should not have been surprised.

Unforgettable!

In February 2009 Cas and I entered our ninth year together. Photos are hugely important to us both because we spend so much time apart. To celebrate our anniversary I created these collages using various shots we have taken of each other whilst together during the last eight years. Much has changed, not the least of which is my hair length and the undeniable fact that we are both almost nine years older! But some things never change. As I hope my collage shows Cas has never lost the ability to make me smile!

2008 brought with it countless unforgettable moments ~ the most significant of all being, of course, the election of Barack Obama to the presidency of the United States. This event brought with it a kernel of hope for Cas and I personally. During his campaign he wrote an open letter to the American gay community which you can read here:

http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/alexokrent/gGggJS

Hope has been the key theme in our lives since Cas and I met just 18 days into George W. Bush’s disastrous first term of office in 2001 and it will continue to be our theme throughout 2009. No matter what happens as far as gay rights are concerned under Obama’s tenure Cas and I will prevail. We don’t feel the need to make a New Year’s resolution around this issue because we have gone the distance over and over again and know that, beyond being together 24/7 , for us there is no other way.

And so Christmas rolled around

He did it!

I am not ordinarily given to snuggling up to the American flag but on November 5th 2008 I did what any other self-respecting offshore half of a same sex bi-national couple would do!

2008 brought with it elation on many levels

Our civil union in Vermont for which we were granted not a single civil right at a federal level